Follow the Animals

June 2020

Last summer, a beautiful black bear appeared in our redwood tree day after day.  I would look up at him and he down at me, as it seemed he was bringing me a message.  My eyes searching; he would merely open his mouth and yawn, his long pink tongue sticking out way past his chin. Then, he’d slowly curl up to take a nap, as if saying, “you humans are so boring with all of your wonderings...”

Bear had been a protector to me so many years ago when I was experiencing a dark period that dragged on and on.  He would visit me in dreams and guided visualizations that my therapist would lead me through, always at my back and I grew to count on his undying support.  

Last summer, he again started showing up in my dreams along with three witches in a dark cave.  It happened simultaneously as the old broken pool in my backyard was being filled, and the ground readied for a gazebo that would become new office space.  The huge hole in the back yard at the base of the redwood tree seemed surprisingly similar to the cave I kept dreaming about.  It was dark and ominous and kept beckoning me to go down inside, which I did reluctantly at times, but only in my imagination.  The bear remained present in the tree for most of the preparation of the space, as if overseeing the “project” from above.

During the same period of time, my sweet cat Penelope was killed in our backyard by the neighbor’s pit bull.  Suddenly I was pulled down to a place I had never before experienced- it felt like the cave I had been seeing in my dreams: dark and scary. Lying in this dank place in my mind was somehow comforting, as though it was the only place able to contain my depth of grief and pain.

Almost a year has passed, and suddenly the bear reappeared in the tree last week, on the same day I had called to make an appointment for a long-awaited tattoo. I jumped up and down when I saw the bear lounging again in the tree, feeling as though my old friend had returned.  The tattoo artist returned my call, just as I was holding my phone up to take the first photo of the bear’s return. 

Getting a tattoo isn’t a shallow event for me, so I’d been deep in prayer for several days, contemplating its significance.  The night before my appointment, I couldn’t sleep, so I rose from bed at 4am and began my morning, and before 6am, felt pulled to go out for a walk.  

I have hiked these hills almost daily for years, and have only seen a bear one other time (besides in my tree), days after Penelope was killed.  My friend and I were hiking and suddenly we saw him behind a tree, in a field through which we often walked.  Distraught still from Penelope’s death, I felt somehow that this was a sign from her to me.  My friend and I stayed close to the bear for longer than what would be considered safe.  I was speaking to him and crying. Since I wasn’t alone, I felt justified with the amount of time I stayed, but now looking back, I think I was a bit out of my mind.

So this morning, feeling the pull of the bear again, I walked through the park and the places where bears have been seen lately, but there were none.  So I headed back toward home and decided to take a shortcut instead of climbing the last hill.  As soon as I turned onto the path, a woman walking three dogs said to me, “Hey, just so you know, there is a mama bear and her cub up by the bridge to the right. So you should turn left.”  My heart began pounding!

Yet, I was alone, it was early morning, no one was around, and I knew that a mama bear is most dangerous when she’s protecting her cubs. My heart raced as I approached, asking for courage and safety, as I knew that I could not make myself turn left.  Heading instead to the right, I crossed the bridge into the exact same gulley where I had seen the bear last year.  Intuitively, I sensed her behind the same tree. Sure enough, I saw ears sticking up from the tall grass.  She stood up suddenly, moving from behind the tree, as she had heard or smelled me, and looked directly at me. She was quite big and menacing, not at all like the sleepy bear in my tree! This was a mama bear protecting her cub. Suddenly she growled so loudly that I jumped back. Her message was clear- “get the fuck away from my baby!”  I snapped a quick picture with shaking hands, as she took another step toward me. I thought “I am either getting a bear claw tattoo today, or a real bear claw raked across my body!”

During this time, I had been asking for a message from the bear and my witches, yet none had come to me until that moment.  I heard in her growl:  “Wake up to your life right now, as death can be around the next corner. Show up with respect, presence and gratitude.”  I backed away slowly, assuring her that I meant no harm. Before I turned away, I felt compelled to bow to her and her cub.  As I stepped off the bridge and out of her sight, I took a deep breath, and slowly turned toward home.

I realize now, that I know nothing of this mysterious life. Yet the synchronicity of this past year has led me to permanently place on my skin, this sacred story:

Penelope’s paw print next to the bear paw: a small black kitty, who stole my heart, and a large black bear who also stole my heart.  They are connected through an infinity symbol along with a bleeding heart. One drop of blood hangs in space for eternity, as grief never goes away, it simply changes us. The symbolism of this story has “got my back”, protecting me, and if I ever again doubt that from the deepest pain arises the most profound strength, all I need to do is look in the mirror.